Who Writes This Stuff?

One of my geek political hobbies is correcting the wingnut chain emails I receive. I choose to blog one now because a) it amuses me to do so and b) Samurai Sam gave a big work presentation today and has no higher level brain function left to blog with at this point. Enjoy what passes for humor from a blogger-accountant with analysis paralysis:


WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT,
DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

I doubt it.

My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.

Well, that's good news, I guess.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

I doubt the credibility of any document that says "congress does not want to spend...".

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days.

Hooray!

It is now time to begin the reckoning.

Oh, shit! It's "Lynch the Liberals" time...

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short.

And they say common sense is dead.

The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

What about Uzbekistan?

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Better include maps with those lists.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

I doubt it, given that, per capita, the U.S. is one of the biggest cheapskates on Earth.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

As opposed to pouring money into corporations and watching those corporate leaders grow fat on corruption? See, it's always the rotten 50 that spoil it for the other 2 billion.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

Yeah, 'cause all that "All Men are Created Equal" crap is for liberals!

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.

Such as gay marriage, the death tax and partial-birth abortion. Oh, like you didn't know this was a Republican President...

On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Unless you mastermind a plot to kill 3,000 Americans and then flee into the Afghan wilderness with your dialysis machine. But we will get your #3 guy! Over and over.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe
China..

But not Uzbekistan! They're a Good pro-torture dictatorship...

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

It was a French reporter that said "We are all Americans" after 9/11. I think this "President" needs a diaper change.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.

The author of this email was clearly a disgruntled meter maid. And only Liberals love New York. Conservatives tolerate it the way we tolerate Kansas.

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

"Mr. President, Operation Hockey Strike is a go."

Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put, em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

No need. By the time the Republicans are done being in power, we'll be the ones jumping the border looking for work.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

At last! A modest proposal...

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.

Yeah, destroy the environment, poison the Earth and the Air! That'll show those liberals and terrorists we mean business. "You can't kill us 'cause we're gonna kill ourselves first!"

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.
Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."

Yes, let's build Pat Buchanan's "Fortress America". I've always wanted to live in a military-industrial wasteland. We can re-name the U.S. "Geidi Prime".

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America.

Everybody hates us for our freedom. Our predatory capitalism, irresponsible energy policies, 25% contribution to the world's pollution levels and pre-emptive wars; other countries think those are charming quirks. They hate our freedom. Trust me.

To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

Yeah, look how we treat our other allies. Britain, you ARE on board for Iran, aren't you? You don't want us to start speaking Freedom while eating our Freedom muffins for breakfast...

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

Or Freedom. Just sayin'.

God bless America.

"and no place else!"

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

If you can read this, thank a blogger. If you are reading it in Freedom, thank Uzbekistan. Good night.