One From The Vaults

I was cleaning out some of my work document files and found this little gem from a few years ago. Since it absolves me from composing my own work for one day, I thought I'd share it. Please enjoy responsibly.

Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today

•Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.

• Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

• The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

• A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

• Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Charles Darwin.

• The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.

• If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.

• A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time Allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

• Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

• HMOs, pharmaceutical, and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

• Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

• A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

• Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

• The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving and military record is none of our business.

• Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.

• You support states’ rights, which means Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

• What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ‘80s is irrelevant.