Nothing Changes On New Years Day

It's been a long and interesting year, to say the least. We've had numerous scandals under investigation, several indictments and an ongoing war. I predict we'll see at least one more scandal investigation in 2006; that which concerns the "secret prisons" network in Eastern Europe. I also predict that we'll see at least one more indictment from the Plame Case (Rove) and a whole handful of indictments from the Abramoff administration. It's always been the contention of Republicans that government causes more problems than it solves and, with them in power, that has certainly been a self-fulfilling prophecy.

In light of this, I think it's time for our politicians, both locally and in Washington, to make a few New Year's resolutions. I can think of a few I would like to see...

1. I, George W. Bush, along with my staff, resolve to stop blaming all of the failures in my administration on Bill Clinton. I've now been President for 5 years and the statute of limitations has passed for dodging responsibility for my lack of competency. Bill Clinton had his own successes and failures as have I and I will no longer confuse the two.

2. I, Hillary Clinton, resolve to stop aligning myself with pointless conservative social policy in a misguided attempt to emulate my husband's success at political triangulation. For all his faults, Bill was one of the most skillful politicians in U.S. history and I can't really play his same game. Naughty language in music and violence in video games is not a pressing national issue when the deficit is out of control and we are at war in two countries. No matter what I do, everyone on the right side of the political spectrum thinks I'm the "Liberal Anti-Christ" and nothing I can say or do will change that. I will win with a liberal base or not at all.

3. I, Russel Feingold, resolve to stop jerking the chains of my liberal backers and announce my candidacy for President in 2008. I am one of the most intelligent, thoughtful, well-spoken and liberal members of the Senate and the United States deserves a man as qualified as I to lead us out of the Bush Dark Ages.

4. I, Mark Green, resolve to stop backing every loony rightwing social engineering bill that comes across my desk. I will stop my unquestioning support of both Pro-Life Across Wisconsin and the Family Research Institute of Wisconsin. I will publicly admit that there really is no War Against Christmas, that the nation was not designed to be a Christian theocracy and that Intelligent Design Creationism is not science. I will instead concentrate on relentlessly attacking my gubernatorial primary opponent, Scott Walker, who is clearly not as down with Jesus as I.

And, finally:

5. I, Samurai Sam, resolve to take my political views beyond my blog and get more active in the community. Too many of the victories that we liberals have taken for granted are on the verge of being rolled back, and I don't want to live in a country where I'm forced to follow the religious beliefs of others or where women have second-class rights compared to men. I resolve, also, to be completely unapologetic about my beliefs, no matter what others may say about them. I would rather be in a moral minority than a sleepwalking majority.

Happy New Year, everyone, and please feel free to leave your own resolutions below.

[Note to remmymetro: the title of this post is all for you, baby!]