Thursday, December 08, 2005

Email From Outer Wingnuttia: Evil Rooney Edition

Just in time for the holiday season, I've been blessed with a bumper crop of wingnut spam. This little gem is purported to come from none other than Andy Rooney, cantankerous 60 Minutes personality. Now, I don't know Andy Rooney's politics, but I do know that he's well educated, which definitely means he didn't write this bit of tripe. Must be his evil clone.

Oh, the weather outside is frightful, as is this latest bit of explosive stupidity from the wingnut spam armory. Savor this big fat chestnut off Santa's naughty list of Email from Outer Wingnuttia!


Andy Rooney said on "60 Minutes" a few weeks back:

Sure he did.

I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.

The wingnuts fear Jesse Jackson almost as much as Michael Moore and gays. It's always a little easier when they put the racism right out in front for all the world to cringe at. Saves having to dig into their fiscal policy to find it. Most of those organizations began back when segregation was still the law. Plus, if the wingnuts are going to racially slander "Jet" they should really call their whites-only magazine "Milky Quartz". Both funnier and more accurate.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

You can also kill someone with an illegal invasion, but we haven't banned that yet, either.

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?

Wow, Martha Burke. This must be from the secret wingnut archive! Can a mention of the Clinton impeachment be far behind? The Boy Scouts seem to have a near-mythical importance to the wingnuts. As a former Cub Scout, it seems a lot of belly-aching over the right to make crafts and camp without girls and gays.

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, then that is your opinion and, thus, you shouldn't have a sexual relationship with a member of the same sex. You also shouldn't be pushing for laws forcing the whole country to follow your narrow-minded opinion. The rest of us have Bibles too, only we can actually understand them.

I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.

And we have the right to shun you for your sociopathic behavior.

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black , in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.

No, that's a make-believe example not supported by reality in order to make the point that racism is acceptable. Way to get in touch with your inner Grand Dragon.

I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!

Wingnuts believe that anyone speaking a language they don't understand is secretly making fun of them. Which is largely true, probably. However, since the rest of us are not plagued by such low self-esteem, we'll just keep the diversity that makes this country great.

My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.

How is speaking your native tongue disrespecting America? This is just weird. I'm sure every immigrant to the United States would download full mastery of the English language upon arrival, if this were The Matrix. Further, I think invading a land and committing genocide against it's native inhabitants is pretty disrespectful.

I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can 't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.

Ah, that's some good wingnut projection. See, what he really means is "Boy, I'd really like to pretend that I'm "Dirty Harry" and shoot me some perps. Of course, if a real criminal ever threatened me, I'd wet myself. And if a cop shot me, I'd call the ACLU (which I hate) and sue that cop for pain-and-suffering damages (which I also hate)." The bravery of always being out of range. Just like supporting the war in Iraq.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.

Aren't wingnuts supposed to worship business and commerce? This guy aims like a drunk pissing on a downtown bus.

We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.

I assume he's talking about France, since all wingnuts really, really hate France. Which is odd, given that France has the same policies towards immigration and affirmative action that wingnuts dream of here. If the Constitution is not a "living document", then it's a dead document and should be given a nice funeral.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

Quite the opposite, actually.

I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.

Wrestling is not fake, dammit! Hulkamania's gonna run wild on you!

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.

I didn't realize someone was trying to rob Bill Gates. No one says the rich aren't entitled to their money. But they aren't entitled to an exemption from civic responsibility, either. The thousands of workers that run Microsoft (or any company) deserve more than just a heavier tax burden as thanks for their efforts.

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"

Yeah, it takes a real macho man to beat on a child. It may not take a village to raise a child, but it does take a strong cup of coffee in the morning! (Thanks to an anonymous Viroquan for that quote. - S.S.)

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!

Mine is artistic. And don't you mean "Freedom" fries?

I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else

Shorter wingnut: "I'm going to be a loud-mouthed racist and bigot if I want and no one can stop me!"

And if you don't like my point of view, tough...

And I'm spent...

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