Monday, November 07, 2005

Email From Outer Wingnuttia: Bill Of No Rights Edition

The time has come once again, dear readers, to delve deeply into the psychosis of the wingnut email spammer, to drink deeply of the troubled waters of ideological idiocy and eat of the insane root that is Email From Outer Wingnuttia.

Hold on to your hats...

We The People..... Of The United States

It's never a good sign when they start off bastardizing the Constitution. Like the Bible, the Constitution is something about which wingnuts know very little, so they tend to make stuff up.

This is probably the best we-mail I've seen in a long,
long time.

I've had erectile dysfunction emails that were more intellectually honest.

The following has been attributed to State
Representative Mitchell Aye from GA.
This guy should run for President one day...

I agree. Nothing like watching a wingnut get beat like a running mule in a local election. It puts the lunacy on public display, not unlike "Cops".

"We the sensible people of the United States, in an
attempt to help everyone get along, restore some
semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our
nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the
blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our
great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more
time to ordain and establish some common sense
guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden,
delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold
these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of
people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so
dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."

Of course, a wingnut spam email will contain the Rosetta stone to understanding the Bill of Rights. Sure. Also, I resent being called a liberal bed-wetter. I'm more progressive than liberal and am dry more often than not. Winguts are always in favor of fewer rights. After all, a free mind is Satan's boudiore. And a wingnut calling liberals whiny? Hello, pot? Kettle on line 2.

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big
screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to
you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is
guaranteeing anything.

Ah, the old "straw man" argument, a wingnut favorite. I can't tell you how many hordes of angry liberals I've seen demanding free Volvos and plasma TVs as they march down Pennsylvania Avenue. Marching to the White House, currently occupied by a man born into blue blood wealth that had every material thing he could desire handed to him. But I guess if people didn't deserve to be poor, they would have been born with a trust fund.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be
offended. This country is based on freedom, and that
means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may
leave the room, turn the channel, express a different
opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and
probably always will be.

So then the next time I refer to someone as a card-carrying member of the Christo-fascist Talibornagain, they won't get offended? That's very Christ-like of them! Wingnuts are so cute when they pretend to be Libertarian right after they demand others' rights be taken away. "Rights for me but not for thee, unless it fits my spam email!"

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from
harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to
be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer
to make you and all your relatives independently

Now we have the Straw Tool-Man fallacy. If the author of this email is a member of any state legislature, that state should be booted out of the Union. It's part of the wingnut credo: corporations should have limitless rights to destroy people and the environment but be free from evil trial lawyers and their greedy lawsuits. The holy god "Free Market" demands no less in devotion!

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and
housing. Americans are the most charitable people to
be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we
are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation
after generation of professional couch potatoes who
achieve nothing more than the creation of another
generation of professional couch potatoes.

Now we're talking. Why should the poor in a country as wealthy as the United States not starve in the streets? If they were meant to live, Jesus would miracle them up some fishes and loaves. The author is mistaken: no wingnut gladly helps anyone in need. Nothing irritates wingnuts more than the suspicion that someone, somewhere is getting something wingnuts think rightfully belongs to them.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health
care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public
housing, we're just not interested in public health

The top ten states that use government health programs are all "red" states. But that's all right. We "blue" state liberals are happy to help, between our fits of whining and bed-wetting.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically
harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally
maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest
of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

Unless they're brown skinned and in another country. Or maybe here and they look like the brown-skinned people that bombed one of our buildings. Or if they're an abortion doctor. Really, anybody but children. Well, OK, anybody but white children are fair game. And only if those white children didn't commit any crimes. It's the Cult(ure) of Life!

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the
possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce
away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be
surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you
away in a place where you still won't have the right
to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

Unless it's their nest egg and you're CEO of a major corporation. Then it's the mystical Free Market again. After all, folks don't really mind sacrificing their retirement nest egg so Kenny Boy Lay can have a $10 million beach house, do they?

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All
of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly
help you along in hard times, but we expect you to
take advantage of the opportunities of education and
vocational training laid before you to make yourself

Again, wingnuts never gladly help anyone, unless it helps them first. Education is great! Now just pony up that $500 admissions fee, $1,000 book fee and $3,000 for the first semester's tuition and all will be well. And no affirmative action for you! You'll just have to take the same chances as everyone else and hope for a legacy appointment that your grades don't support. Just like the President!

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness.
Being an American means that you have the right to
PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if
you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic
laws created by those of you who were confused by the
Bill of Rights.

"You will have more rights if you give up your rights. War is peace. Ignorance is strength." If only we all had the magical wingnut ability to look back into the minds of men dead 200 years and divine what they really meant to say when they mistakenly made the Constitution too vague. Then everything would be swell. It's the eternal wingnut search for a list of 6,000 or so immutable laws they can follow (and force others to follow) so no one ever has to think for themselves again.

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We
don't care where you are from, English is our
language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came
from! (lastly....)

Gotta play the racism card; no wingnut screed is complete without it. Does this article mean George W. Bush has to go back to Connecticut?

ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our
country's history or heritage. This country was
founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you
are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any
faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of
persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our
heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable
with it, TOUGH!!!!

The foundational beliefs of Outer Winguttia: History began in 1954. The Founding Fathers were all Evangelical Christians and religious freedom means everyone can believe in any religion as long as they recognize that Jesus would beat Mohammed and Buddah's asses together. God is a conservative Republican and Reagan is his profit. Amen.

If you agree, share this with a friend. No, you don't
have to, and nothing tragic will befall you if you
don't. I just think it's about time common sense is
allowed to flourish. Sensible people of the United
States speak out because if you do not, who will?

If sensible people had any say in our country, we'd have universal health care, a clean environment, no illegal invasions of other countries, no advocacy of torture and a balanced federal budget. The sensible people lost control the day the Starr report was published and we haven't had it back yet. Maybe if we just had some liberal email spammers...

No comments: